Headlines from "The Onion":
Last updated on Sun, 14 Oct 2007
| [audio] Area Man Gets In One Last Night Of Sex Before Breaking Up |
| news the onion, Sun, 14 Oct 2007 |
| Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland |
| [audio] Hershey's Ordered To Pay Obese Americans $135 Billion |
| news the onion, Sat, 13 Oct 2007 |
| Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland |
| Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down To Area Man |
| news the onion, Sat, 13 Oct 2007 |
| BANGOR, ME—"He may not have lived to see it, but I'm sure President Reagan is up in heaven smiling down on me," said the recipient of two crisp five-dollar bills. |
| Bisexual's Parents Half-Understand |
| news the onion, Fri, 12 Oct 2007 |
| EVANSTON, IL—The parents of recently admitted bisexual Jeremy Lambert said they completely half-understand their 19-year-old son's lifestyle... |
| [audio] Former Defense Secretary Rumsfeld Seen Shivering In Autumn Wind |
| news the onion, Fri, 12 Oct 2007 |
| Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland |
| Atlantic City Mayor Resigns |
| news the onion, Fri, 12 Oct 2007 |
| After an absence of nearly two weeks in which his whereabouts were largely unknown, Robert W. Levy, mayor of Atlantic City, NJ, returned to office... |
| Piping-Hot Calzone Missing |
| news the onion, Fri, 12 Oct 2007 |
| WEST ORANGE, NJ—"It was right here a second ago," said the owner of the sizzling Italian sandwich, which was last seen in the office break room at approximately 1 p.m. |
| Trent Green Holds Press Conference To Announce Long String Of Vowels |
| news the onion, Thu, 11 Oct 2007 |
| MIAMI—Just two days after he was knocked unconscious by a violent blow to the head and carried off the field on a stretcher, concussed and... |
| Police Tasers Deemed Safe |
| news the onion, Thu, 11 Oct 2007 |
| A recent independent study determined that Tasers are generally safe in the hands of the police. What do you think? |
| [video] Proposed (Classified) Bill Will Defend Against Flesh-Eating (Classified) |
| news the onion, Thu, 11 Oct 2007 |
| Rep. John Haller (R-PA) introduces a bill that will allocate (classified) dollars over the next (classified) years to fight flesh-eating (classified). |
| Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Retires 'D' Chord |
| news the onion, Thu, 11 Oct 2007 |
| CLEVELAND—The D chord, famed for its part in innumerable classic rock songs, including "Back in Black," "Bad Moon Rising," and "Don't Be... |
| Patriots Stunned By Mere 17-Point Victory |
| news the onion, Thu, 11 Oct 2007 |
| BOSTON—The Patriots organization is reeling this week following their narrow 34-17 victory over the lowly Browns, taking stock of their game-planning methods, philosophy, and indeed their entire season in the aftermath of a game in which... |
| NASA Announces Plan To Bring Wi-Fi To Its Headquarters By 2017 |
| news the onion, Wed, 10 Oct 2007 |
| HOUSTON—Still relying on a single dial-up modem, NASA employees continue to get disconnected when someone at the Johnson Space Center picks up the phone to dial out. |
| Why Is It That My Girlfriend Insists On Sticking Around While I Transform Into A Werewolf? |
| news the onion, Wed, 10 Oct 2007 |
| There are some things a man should do alone. Watch the game. Go out for a drink with the guys. Grapple with his inner self as the milky blue light... |
| I Just Discovered This Hilarious Comic Strip Called 'Garfield' |
| news the onion, Wed, 10 Oct 2007 |
| I don't usually spend a lot of time reading the comics pages (you know me: straight to the real-estate section!), but last weekend I found this... |
| Cost Of Freedom At All-Time High |
| news the onion, Wed, 10 Oct 2007 |
| WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday, the cost of American freedom has soared from its previous 1779 high of bravery,... |
| Ticket Brokers Under Fire |
| news the onion, Wed, 10 Oct 2007 |
| After a slew of instantaneous concert sell-outs, culminating with tween idol Hannah Montana, several states are looking into consumer protection... |
| Every Intern At Nonprofit Trying To Solve Refugee Crisis First |
| news the onion, Tue, 9 Oct 2007 |
| WASHINGTON, DC—According to employees at the nonprofit organization Refugees International, each of the four new fall interns has been... |
| [video] Use Of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career |
| news the onion, Mon, 8 Oct 2007 |
| 'Cum Inside' star Jennica St. Foxx is receiving heavy criticism for using a racial slur in her latest film. |
| Thousands March On Washington For A Little Fresh Air, Exercise |
| news the onion, Sun, 7 Oct 2007 |
| WASHINGTON, DC—Meandering throngs walked for blocks in every direction, all the while chanting inspiring slogans like "What a beautiful day." |