Headlines from "The Onion":
Last updated on Fri, 12 Mar 2010
Man On Internet Almost Falls Into World Of DIY Mustard Enthusiasts
DES MOINES, IA—Only when Steve Gibson started getting enraged by mustard-related issues did he realize he had become entangled in a dense, thickening web of mustard obsession. "I saw my wife put French's mustard on a bologna sandwich and I just lost control," he said.
In Focus: Nation To Be Tested For Scoliosis Friday
WASHINGTON, DC--In a mandatory, nationwide health initiative many Americans are dreading, all U.S. citizens will be tested for scoliosis Friday.
Opinion: I Didn't Spend 6 Weeks In A Medical License Reinstatement Ethics Class To Have You Call Me 'Mister' (by Dr. Trent Berstyn)
It's tragic how people treat doctors in this day and age. The lack of respect for the education and training medical professionals go through,...
![[video] Boys Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python](http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/SNAKE_ATTACK_ARTICLE.thumbnail.jpg)
[video] Boys Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python
Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.
Lohan Sues ETrade Over TV Ad
Actress Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against the Internet brokerage E*Trade over a commercial featuring a talking baby named Lindsay who suffers...
Couple Of Cool Guys Just Hanging Out
NEW YORK—Cool guys Shawn Goldstein, 26 (left) and Walt Traxel, 26 (right) just hang out Thursday afternoon. Please check back in for updates as The Onion continues to follow this developing story.
In Focus: Senate Candidate Drops Out Of Race Due To Shyness
KNOXVILLE, TN--Donald Miller told his campaign manager to tell the people that Tennessee would be better off with a more confident, outgoing representative.
Alternate Health Care Bills
In response to President Obama's call for compromise, several lawmakers have concocted their own health care reform bills. Here are some...
Sports: Chris Bosh Out For Season After Cutting Open Knee To See How It Works
TORONTO—The Raptors medical staff announced Tuesday that Chris Bosh will miss the rest of the season after the inquisitive forward cut open his knee with a steak knife in an effort to look inside and see how the joint works.
Universe Comes To Halt As Kid Flips Through First Shark Book
SPRINGDALE, AR—The dynamic processes by which matter and energy function in the physical world ground to a halt Thursday night as 7-year-old...
Wine May Help Women Moderate Weight
In a long-term study that surveyed the drinking habits of 20,000 women, those who consumed moderate amounts of alcohol were more likely to keep their...
[audio] 18-Year-Old Demands Right To Be Sexually Harrassed In Workplace
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text
WASHINGTON—Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions of dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words unsure of what to do next.
In Focus: Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
CHICAGO—Subjects who drank five glasses or more showed an increased ability to recall each time their mothers had been unsupportive of boyfriends or husbands.
Opinion: Do The New Tablets Own Up To The Hype? (by Beepo the Dolphin)
When tablet computers first reared their heads in the '90s, they were quickly written off as low-powered machines that were kind of neat, but not...
Sports: Ball Movement Making Dirk Nowitzki Nauseous
DALLAS—During last Wednesday's game against the Phoenix Suns, Mavericks center Dirk Nowitzki reportedly told teammates that he "needed a sec" after a possession featuring quick-paced perimeter passing made him nauseous.
Mytron The Fifth, Illuminati Ruler And Secret Overlord Of All Humanity, Dead At 112
2,000 MILES BENEATH BAVARIA, GERMANY—Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449...
Global Warming Skeptics Growing In Numbers
Since 2008, the number of people who don't believe in global warming has doubled to 16 percent. What do you think?
![[video] Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere](http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/BULLSHIT_STORY_ARTICLE_3_5_10.thumbnail.jpg)
[video] Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere
Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.
In Focus: National Organization For Women Turns 39 Again
WASHINGTON, DC—Though officials are vague about what year NOW was founded, they do say a women's organization is only as old as it feels.
Sports: Uh-Oh, Annoying Coworker Going To Tell You Why IndyCar Racing Completely Different From NASCAR
KANSAS CITY, MO—Oh man, sources confirmed that it looks as though Paul Martinelli, that irritating guy from sales, is going to give you an entire breakdown of the differences between IndyCar and NASCAR...
Out-Of-Control Group Yields Little Usable Data
ATLANTA—A study of the effects of antidepressants on sleep patterns was derailed this week when the experiment's out-of-control...
